Mental Health and Trauma Blog | Noisy
As I've recently discovered, you can't keep the dark parts of your past you'd rather forget buried. They'll begin to rot, infecting everything they touch until all is dead or dying. No matter how difficult it is, trauma needs to be processed and dealt with to move on in life, otherwise it'll haunt you at the worst of times. You must process that shit to progress, you must understand it, and deal with it. To keep making positive steps and changes in life, you must process it.
I never thought I'd see the day where I found myself in a 'normal', healthy relationship, yet here I am. I'm lucky to have someone who loves and encourages me, who supports me in all I do, who cares for me and treats me like a Queen. I'm lucky to be in a relationship where we both have each other's backs. We showed the darkest parts of ourselves, shared our trauma, and told each other our secrets, and all was accepted with open arms. To finally be in a relationship I could have only dreamt for in the past is incredible, scary, but incredible. Although none of my past is hidden, it's kept where it belongs, in the past (or at least as best as it can be). It's used as lessons to grow from. My trauma brought me to where I am today so for that reason I don't hate it, I can't hate it, but at times I really don't like it. I don't like it because a lot of it wasn't processed, it wasn't accepted and understood, it wasn't dealt with. Instead it was boxed up and buried in hopes it would stay where it deserved to be, where it was safest to be.
But as endorphins flood my body, so does the unresolved trauma of my past.
I find myself over analysing everything he says and does, waiting for his mask to slip, but he isn't wearing a mask, and watching him so intensely is exhausting. I'd flinch when he moved too quickly, and of course he understood why, but I'd feel overwhelming guilt. It was as if my brain categorised him with the men I used to think I was happy with, but he's nothing like them. I find myself pining for the child I tragically lost while we spend family time together with his. The stronger our bond grows the more my pain seeps out of the cracks that begin to show. I'd never change the life I have now, I adore it. Every good day I have helps heal the bad days of the past. Every enjoyable experience we share helps heal the traumatic experiences that scarred me. Every time he smiles at me it heals a part of me that someone maliciously hurt. Every day when he tells me he loves me, my inner child feels that love too and is allowed to heal a little too.
I was naive to think the demons I locked away wouldn't rattle the cage door when they saw me doing well in life. So now I find myself being forced to process and work though my past trauma. I'm digging up the trauma I buried deep down so it doesn't infect the healthy start I'm nurturing. If I don't process my past trauma I won't progress through life. When you lock away those dark times of your past, the ones you'd rather forget, you don't grow, you stay stuck in time. You don't learn and grow from them, you don't blossom as you should, you wilt.
Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.
Don't forget your past, don't hide from it, don't run from it, don't ignore it. Heal from it, remember it, and use it as a lesson to grow from. You won't have to repeat it every day in the form of flashbacks or agonising nightmares, you can remember it as a tough time in your life that you successfully battled through. Like me, you can remember it and share your story to the world, to help others that are struggling to find their way.
This is the fight of your life.
- Noisy
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