I Don't Forgive You

Mental Health and Trauma Blog | Noisy I don't forgive you for what you did to me. The fear you caused, the pain you inflicted, the damage you did, I don't forgive you for that. Why should I? You chose drink and drugs over me; you chose a life of crime over me. You needed your next fix while I needed you to love me. You loved your synthetic high more than your own daughter. You cradled another bottle, night after night, with such adoration. While I cried for you, calling your name, after waking from another nightmare. You never held my hand, but you held a knife to me. You picked up another can while I stood there, knee high, begging to be held by you. You drowned in a bottle while I tried to comfort myself at night by stroking my nose. We both had our own little ways to help us get to sleep. I cried to therapists but all you did was scream at me, telling me to stop attention seeking. I took a blade to my wrist while you took another pill. I starved myself of food because you starved me of love. As I failed my exams you failed to help and encourage me. While I sat at school wondering what to do with my life you sat at work counting down the hours until your next fix. When I got home I scrubbed the house clean while you went to the shower and scrubbed away the guilt. While I made myself food you made yourself comfortable on the sofa. As I quietly ate in my room, trying not to make too much noise, you got louder as the alcohol took over and your true self took control. While you were passed out on the sofa dreaming of another life, I was taking the drugs you carelessly left on the side, dreaming of the day you'd love me. You stole my happiness, so I stole some of the alcohol you had in the cupboard. You were too intoxicated to notice the changes in me, and I was too scared to ask for help. Your resentment for me grew, day by day, while my drug addiction took hold of me. You sat on the sofa drinking, night after night, counting the hours I'd been out. You fed your anger with every mouthful while I counted the lines on the table in front of me, a credit card in hand and a desperation to fill the void in my heart. You never told me you loved me, but you reminded me on a daily basis how much you hated me. You begged me to walk a different path, but you never showed me anything different. When you looked in the mirror and hated the person staring back at you so much you had to look away in disgust, I had to look away too. When you took another line to escape the harsh reality of your failed life, I took a line too. Every night when you were crying as the guilt crippled you, I cried too. When you finally sat down to talk to me to mend our relationship you blamed me, I blamed you too. When you told me you were done with me and wanted nothing to do with me, I said the same to you. When you sat outside at night looking at the stars, missing me, I missed you too. Every time you picked up your phone to message or call but thought better of it, I picked up my phone too, waiting for you. When you called me and told me you loved me, I said "Dad, I love you too". When I got the call to say you were in hospital, I got in the car and came to see you. When I saw my mum crying by your bedside holding your hand, I cried too. When the doctors told us you were gone and there was nothing they could do, a part of me died with you. But I still don't forgive you. This is the fight of my life. - Noisy