Mental Health and Trauma Blog | Noisy
I know you can't read this, but I'll write in anyway, you were a chance for me to break the vicious cycle that went down through the generations. You were a chance for change, to do good in the world, and to make a difference. TW: Violence // Self Harm // Miscarriage The thing is Mal, when I was only little my dad used to beat me, his violence extended to my mum as well. I remember her running upstairs, holding her bleeding head, when I was around the age of three. I learned from an early age the only answer was violence, I'd hear it most nights as I sat in my room in silence. A father is meant to guide their children, love them, care for them, and stop them making the same mistakes they did that sent them down that dark path. But instead he influenced me, I looked up to him, I thought he'd be proud, I didn't think of the consequences or the inevitable aftermath. He taught me to use my fists instead of my words, to hit first and ask questions later. He taught me how to bully, intimidate, and run from the problems that weigh you down. I looked at him in awe as people knew who he was, he had a reputation, he'd made a name for himself in the town. And for the idiots who say, "I got a smack when I was younger, and it didn't do me any harm". Take a look in mirror and reevaluate your life. It doesn't help a child, it damages them. They don't respect you; instead they fear you. I feared my father and because of what he did I have over a thousand scars on my left forearm. Mal I followed a dark path, but I turned it around, I stopped all the drink and the drugs. I put down the weapons and chose peace over war. I walked away from it all hoping to make a difference in the world. Then I got pregnant with you, granted it wasn't planned, but you were what I always wanted, you were the chance I'd been looking for. Your father was similar to mine, a violent bully who controlled and coerced me, and wore me down over time. But when I found out I was pregnant with you Mal I told him to leave. I knew it would be hard as a single parent, but I knew on my own I could raise you right, it was something I knew I could achieve. You'd be taught right from wrong, you'd be loved unconditionally, and I'd show you the right path to walk. If you made a mistake it would be okay, we wouldn't argue or fight, instead we'd just sit down and talk. I'd sacrifice everything for you to give you the best chance in life. You wouldn't know violence and drugs; I'd make sure you'd never pick up a knife. I'd break the cycle, I'd finally do it, and I'd be proud of the work I'd put in. But Mal that never got to happen, you were taken from me before we could even begin. For months I held you as a bump, and I talked to you every day. Granted the morning sickness was horrendous, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. It was terrifying doing it on my own, I had no idea how I'd cope. But I knew deep down I'd always find a way, I'd make it through, I'd do things right, you were my beautiful, glimmering hope. Mal I'm sorry to tell you this story, but one night your dad got into the house, he sat on the end of the bed and watched us as we slept. I opened my eyes and fear ran through my veins, I knew what was about to happen would be bad, but I honestly didn't know what to expect. I was so weak and tired as he dragged me around and pinned me down on the bed by my neck. Things had been smashed and thrown around the room as I struggled, the bedroom was a complete wreck. As I gasped for air I looked into his eyes, and he gave a sadistic grin. I knew he was going to kill me, and by doing that would kill you too, so I found the strength to fight back and save us, that's when my instincts kicked in. I had to protect you no matter the cost, your life was most precious to me. He was stronger than I was, but I managed to gain leverage and push him away with my knee. His grasp around my neck loosened for just a moment so a grabbed his hands with mine. A rush of adrenaline ran through our blood, there's no way he way he's taking you from me Mal. Hurting me is one thing, but hurting you is crossing a line. But I made a mistake doing what I did because I wasn't strong enough to keep hold. A hand that was around my neck was now clenched in a fist, and as he repeatedly punched you our blood ran cold. The pain was almost unbearable, but I could bare it enough to fight back some more, but at that moment I knew resistance was futile as I felt the blood begin to pour. I let go of the hand that was around my neck and put both around you to shield you from the attack, and with every hit I saw the beautiful months we had shared together in the form of flashback. I came back to reality when I sensed something was wrong I knew you were going to die, I used all the strength I had left to push him off us, with you dying inside me, I had little left to live for, but I knew I had to try. Mal your dad was taken away and arrested in the early hours, but my worst fears were confirmed as we had to go for a scan. I lay there shaking, crying and scared thinking this wasn't part of the plan. You were gone, he killed you and with that I died too, it felt like I was just a shell. Very quickly things got worse, there were complications and I got really unwell. I was bleeding internally, and as you were peacefully sleeping in blood I knew I was going to die. But I didn't have much fight left Mal, I didn't want to live, I didn't even want to try. Try to fight, try to survive, try to live through this whole ordeal. It felt like a bad dream, something I needed to wake myself up from, I didn't want it to be real. I was rushed to the emergency theatre room, and I began to lose consciousness as I laid on the cold, metal table. The units of blood hadn't arrived in time, my condition was no longer stable. As I closed my eyes for what I thought was the last time everything went dark, there was silence. I was finally at rest, free from the pain caused by a vicious act of violence. And then I saw you, you were a few years older, running in a field calling my name. I felt happy and healthy, the sun was shining, and I no longer felt any pain. It was beautiful Mal seeing the boy you'd grown into, so perfect in every way. But it wasn't real, in reality I was dying, and if I wanted to stay with you there was a price I'd have to pay. I had to decide whether to grab your hand and stay in this beautiful place or turn around and go back through the door. Meanwhile doctors tried their hardest to bring me back as the blood continued to pour. I watched as you ran further from me, calling my name, as you looked back at me for the last time I smiled at you and said I'm on my way. Mal I'm sorry that I lied to you, I had to let you go, it wasn't real, and as much as I wanted to I knew I couldn't stay. I woke up on the table and as my eyes opened a tear ran down my cheek filled with grief. Although I missed you and wanted you back, I couldn't help but feel relief. You were free from pain and violence now; you were finally safe at rest. But it was little comfort in the following days, weeks, and months as I began to feel depressed. You were my one chance to make a difference, raising you the right way was vital. But Mal you were tragically taken from me, so now I must live with the knowledge that I couldn't break the cycle.
This is the fight of my life. - Noisy
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