Never, and I mean never, would I have believed you if four years ago you told me I'd be living the life I am today. I'd struggle to believe I'd still be alive, never mind thriving and enjoying life.
On 28th July 2024 I was officially four years clean of drugs. A day I celebrate every year could have easily been a painful reminder for my loved ones of the day I overdosed and tragically lost my life. It so easily could have been a tragic reminder of the day I was killed over drugs, money, or got involved in an altercation and things went too far. July 28th could have been the worst day, a day so many had to cry over, year after year.
There were many occasions I came close to overdosing, not on purpose, but at the same time I was reckless to the point where I didn't care if I died. I had no concern for my own life so if I did take things too far then sobeit. I did worry for my family though, to get a knock on the door at the early hours of the morning only to be told their loved one had overdosed. On those close calls as I became aware I'd taken too much; I'd feel my heart beating so fast it felt as if it was about to explode. I'd feel sick, the room would spin, I had no control of my body, I couldn't speak, I couldn't even call for help. All I could do was lie there and think of my family and friends, hoping this wouldn't be the time they got a knock on the door. I imaged my mum scream in agony as she lost her youngest child and only daughter. I'd imagine how my dad would drown himself in even more bottles of whisky as guilt took his liver and his life. I imagined my older brothers battling with themselves wishing they'd reached out or done more and having to carry that unbearable weight for the rest of their lives.
Those thoughts, those gut-wrenching thoughts stop me from going back to where I once was. They have stopped me for four years and will continue to do so. If I'd lost my life to my addiction, the addiction wouldn't die with me, it would be passed on to those who lost me. The guilt eating away at them, they'd find their own clutch to get by. Day by day they'd need more just to get out of bed, and just like that the poisonous cycle would continue. Another life would be taken, another death would cause unimaginable guilt, and another loved one would turn to addiction to cope.
It's still difficult at times, but I'd rather go through the battle than pass the pain onto those who love me. I'd rather fight this so other generations don't have to. Addiction comes in so many forms and creeps up on you so slowly that you willingly dance with the devil. The comfort is so overwhelming from such a minor dose. As the dosage increases drip by drip the comfort decreases. You need more, you become aware that you do, but you convince yourself it's okay because it's a comfort and we all need those in times of need.
The truth is we don't, not really. To stop this vicious circle we don't need comfort, we need the complete opposite. We need to feel those raw, painful emotions. We need to experience that agonising pain, to process and work through our pain to stop it controlling us. If we don't our pain will eat away at us from the inside and the addiction will be the bandage that helps the wound to heal. As the addiction grows, another bandage is added to the wounds, layer after layer. But the blood continues to bleed through, infection grows and begins to spread. When the bandages are finally taken off, only then is the true extent of the damage understood, and only then can recovery begin. By the time you're through it you'll have scars, many of those scars will stay with you for the rest of your life. But you'll wear those scars proudly.
Some may look in disgust, many will judge, and that's okay. They can't relate to your pain, so they can't understand it. People fear the unknown, they fear what they don't understand. So as you're recovering and you receive those judgemental looks, just know it's their own problem, not yours. If you're fighting through addiction please know you're not alone. I'm not scared of your scars; I have many of the same. Below are some places you can reach out to, they're people that can help. Many of these groups and organisations are ran by people who were once in your shoes, looking for help with their addiction, and now like me they're able to help those who need it. If you don't want to reach out to the organisations below please know I am always available to talk to, and I will help in any way I can. I'm not a professional in terms of qualifications but in life experience. I've watched it eat away at the generations before me and I stopped the infection in its tracks. I wear my scars proudly and so should you.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) - alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk Alcohol Change UK - alcoholchange.org.uk Narcotics Anonymous - ukna.org We Are With You - wearewithyou.org.uk
This is the fight of your life (and it's worth fighting for). - Noisy
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